didn't do much today...it seems to be the common theme this week. Aside
from some painting, I haven't done much else to Ashlyn's room. It's
taking longer than I hoped for. I just need one day (baby-free) and
it should be done...but I don't see that happening. =/
Aric, Ashlyn, and I went to visit Patrick in the hospital this evening.
It turned out that his appendix wasn't the cause of his excrutiating
pain...he has gastro-intestinal infection. =O
He can't really eat, nor does he want to, and is hydrated through an
IV drip. It was kind of sad seeing him lying there...he looked kinda
pale, weak, and skinnier than usual. The place was pretty quiet, and
we only spoke above a whisper in fear of disturbing the person sharing
Patrick's room. But all of a sudden, we heard screaming in a nearby
room. The lady repeatedly screamed, "HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME!"
Dude, that sent an eerie shiver down my spine. It didn't sound like
anyone was rushing to help her either because the screaming went on
for a while. Patrick said that she was doing that all day. Freaky! Hospitals
give me the creeps. Right after I had Ashlyn, I was ready to bolt home...unfortunately,
they required me to stay at least 24 hours. It wasn't so bad since I
wasn't surrounded by people with ailments...plus, I had my own suite.
Anyhow, we didn't stay long...visiting hours were almost over.
Afterwards Aric, Ashlyn, and I went to visit my mother-in-law. It's
been a while since my last visit, and I didn't want her to think we
forgotten about her. I caught the last half of "Friends",
an old rerun of "Friends", and "Will and Grace",
then tried to make it home in time for "ER". But by the time
we got home, Ashlyn needed her last feeding and I had stuff to do so
I missed "ER" completely. Oh well.
still feeling blue today. I'm not exactly sure what it is...just this
overwhelming feeling of sadness. I called my mom today, and right away
she knew something was wrong. *sigh* Mothers seem to be able to sense
these things. Just the sound of her voice had me in tears. I really
hate when that happens. I'm embarassed by my lack of self control. I
mean, how old am I?! Anyway, I couldn't talk for long because this took
place prior to going to the hospital and I had to whip up dinner in
a quickness to take over to my mother-in-law's place. I swear, I probably
just need a good cry, but I always have to suppress it in lieu of tending
to other things. I think part of the sadness stems from all the changes
that took place last year and it's just finally catching up with me.
I miss my family...I miss my friends...I miss my work...I miss my old
life. I feel so ashamed for saying so. Tons of thoughts run through
my head and I wonder: did I make the right decision?...will these sacrifices
cause me to become resentful now or later on? In turn, all these thoughts
make me to feel extremely guilty and selfish. *ugh!*
Then I think of Ashlyn (sweet precious Ashlyn) and I just want someone
to bitch SLAP me for thinking such thoughts. She is the absolute love
of my life. I value her more than life itself. But at the same time,
I'm paralyzed with anxiety. I didn't experience postpartum depression
because I was so thrilled bringing her into the world. She gave me companionship
and purpose when I was homebound and away from everything and everyone.
But now...almost 7 months later...I have this gripping fear like, "What
the hell am I doing?!" I'm scared of being responible for her mental/physical
health and happiness from now till god-knows-when. I'm hanging on a
very thin thread here. And between Aric's ultra-passive personality,
busy work schedule, school load, and computer business-on-the-side,
I find little or no comfort in sharing my feelings with him...and that
makes me feel worse. As you can tell, I'm completely conflicted. I can't
help the way I feel and then I'm angry and disappointed with myself
for feeling this way. *shake head* What the hell is wrong with me?!
tomorrow will be a brighter day.
pics of the day